Private: 5040 – Jay B.

I live in El Salvador, a tiny country in Central America, with a very close-minded Catholic society. I had always judged gay people, because that is what everyone teaches you to do here. However, looking back, the pictures show I have always been a 'tomboy'. This is why I don't blame my classmates that much for harassing me by that 'tag', however, the first 12 years in my school were in fact, a living hell. I was bothered for being me, for being a strong girl, for my weight and for not having friends at all. Some people say that society made me gay, but I think I've always known that I'm gay, very deep inside. I guess it's hard to explain. I guess I don't have to explain. I've had crushes and desires to kiss girls and been attracted to them since a young age (about the time where girls stop having germs according to boys).

So yeah, a tough childhood. I acquired a couple friends who were much older than me, and I decided to talk about something that I came to accept about a week before that. I had spent about two years by then watching videos and informing myself. I watched all the possible gay movies and series. I was obsessed and became proud of being gay. YouTube saved my life, it took my oppression from myself, made me see I was not the only one and that there was nothing to be afraid of, that it was something normal.

I came out to one of my friends, and she started shouting at me that it couldn't be like that, as if by doing it she would somehow take the gay away. She then stopped talking to me, the world fell down once again, and I found myself in such a depression thinking that no one would accept me that I had suicidal thoughts and cut myself for about a year. That's when my encouragement appeared in my life. This girl that was 5 years older, who had doubted her sexuality but never really encountered a way to prove herself or to actually know what was going on. So we talked and I came out to her, she was ok with it and even teased me about it. I started liking her without knowing she doubted herself as well. Of course, I was worried, I had fallen for a girl I could never have, right?

Eventually, after four months of talking, the joking flirtatious girls we were turned into something real without us even noticing. We started dating on April 10th, and four months into the relationship I had my first kiss with a girl, the first real one. Anyway, we dated for two years, she cheated on me, and I came out to many people during those two years. I was probably depressed and worried about losing her 90% of the entire relationship. I was cheated on many times with different guys in different countries, which pulled me to come out to even more people.

This is when I found myself wanting to give instead of just getting from YouTube. I decided to start a channel that could help people, kind of like what Arielle does. I uploaded a few videos, then fell into a huge depression after a huge breakup with a lot of drama in the course of three months.

That break up made me go so low and made my mum so worried that I eventually just said it, so that I could finally get some support from her. She then stopped talking to me and took about a week to cool down. I suppose you can imagine the thoughts I had for the next few months after dealing with so much. I went to school depressed, alone, sleepy and hurt. People bothered me even more.

Then things got worse. People from my school found the videos I forgot I had uploaded (not that I cared, I wanted to come out anyway since I was sure and ready for it). I got in trouble with my school and almost got kicked out. I was sexually harassed by my male classmates because they were trying to 'turn me back to normal'. That is morally correct in my country; that's what they are taught, so I don't entirely blame them, I suppose.

The good thing: summer came, I worked in an NGO for the second year in a row, I enjoyed myself and dedicated myself full time to my recovery in the healthiest way possible. I investigated universities as far away as possible from here and have been working the hardest to be able to leave this hell I live in.

People now don't care, I have a few more friends, if you can call them that. I guess they are adjusting to it. I have, however, been terminally prohibited from coming out to more people by my mum, which includes the grandparents I live with, uncle and the huge family that surrounds us. So even though people know, the important ones don't support me or don't know. They wouldn't be accepting anyway.

I have been a part of all the letters in the LGB, but I think I might be Trans*, so I don't think this is going in the right direction if I stay. But I really wanted to get this story out there, so I can help fight for the rights of my community here in El Salvador. I don't want more people to go through what I have.


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